Failure is safe, comfortable, and predictable. Think of it as junk postal mail that, no matter how many times you move, will still find you and eight months of your lifespan. So just like you submerge yourself in the ink of tree-dust solicitation, embrace the warm familiarity of failure.
- Rule #1: Never get started
- Changing careers? Reaching fitness goals? Starting your own business? Marie Kondo the heck out of your home? You’ve never started or tried, and you should keep it that way so that your failure is guaranteed. Why try and try again? You’ll only find that by dividing your ambitious goals into smaller baby steps (projects), your chances of success will increase. Instead just wedge obstinate fear of failure in your heart and mind, to eradicate any chances of succeeding whatsoever. Don’t let courage get you out of your comfort zone – it will only lead to a sense of fulfillment.
- Rule #2: Compare yourself to everyone else.
- Don’t start anything without comparing yourself to everyone else. Make sure to always compare intellect, money, looks, physical prowess, and success with all 7,680,437,919 beings on the world population clock before you entertain or begin endeavors related to failure (which really is any deed under the sun). Ps. population data was pulled on Jan 29th, and may be outdated by the time you read this. There are four births per second of every day so make sure to check back at the clock each time you consider trying to succeed at something.
- Rule #3: Everything must be perfect.
- Timing, ingredients, skills and outcome must all be flawless, faultless, picture-perfect. Trust me, the paralysis born from the idea that everything has to be perfect makes failure your inescapable reality. Doesn’t that already feel better than trying to succeed?
- Rule #4: There is either failure or success. The rest is page two of Google search results.
- Picture this: one day you wake up feeling extra and you decide to apply winged eyeliner makeup. You map out the beauty road on your right eye with a reliable liquid eyeliner (my personal FAVE for guaranteed failure (no! I’m kidding! I love it!): NYX Cosmetics Matte Liquid Liner). Once your right eye makeup has dried, you gently proceed to the left eye and begin applying the eyeliner only to find what you knew all along: you broke Rule #1 of this critical life guide. Beauty bloggers and makeup stars across the globe all agree on one thing: winged liquid eyeliner will never be the same on both eyes, so don’t even bother doing it. Heck, even the eyeliner and makeup industry is halting the production of liquid eyeliner because no one can get the thing right.
In a nutshell, relinquish control of whether you fail or succeed by making sure to chalk up each instance something doesn’t go the way you want it to as a failure. In that way, you’ll make sure to remain a failure for the rest of your life.
Donika Paprika 